Yes, we know, our world is shattered too ahem. Speaking in an interview with The Daily Beast, Dustin explained how the whole sex tape idea was just a way to make money and even HE isn't stupid enough to get his actual peen out on film. Describing how he saw everyone from Colin Farrell to Paris Hilton doing the deed on camera, he says: "My buddy and I were sitting on the couch and [Paris'] video came on the news, and they were saying that it was confirmed that she had business relations with this video and was making money off of each one sold.

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Well, this is one way for Dustin Diamond to overcome his image as the popular '80s "Saved by the Bell" geekazoid Screech. Entertainment agent David Hans Schmidt acquired the rights to the video, which features Diamond in a menage a trois with two women. Although most of the raunchy details have been kept under wraps, word is that some "bodily functions" and the "Dirty Sanchez" are featured acts in the sex romp. Or lowered it.
Glory-hole-inspecting sister site Fleshbot has selflessly subjected itself to the crimes against amateur celebrity pornography committed by opportunistic former Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond by reviewing Screeched , the "stolen" sex tape in which the actor supposedly lures a pair of stray bachelorette party revelers back to his motel room for an erotic adventure involving a bubble bath and the lighthearted defilement of a luck lady's upper lip with the feces of career-reviving desperation. The verdict? Unsurprisingly, the product is a letdown:. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated :. TMZ has also helpfully included celebrity smut-puddler David Hans Schmidt's entire promotional itinerary, so you'll know where you can next catch him hawking his wares. As an alternative to the new preview footage, we offer this clip of SNL 's Weekend Update coverage of the story, which while not all that funny, at least makes us feel less complicit in assisting Diamond's attempt to ride a Dirty Sanchez back to semi-fame. Isn't even a highly theoretical sex act sacred anymore? Yeah, probably the Dirty Sanchez one. For now, we can deal with the mildly scarring sight of Screech reclining in the tub, possibly in the early stages of sexual arousal. This morning's news of a forthcoming Dustin "Screech" Diamond fornication video certainly signals the end of days, not only because of the childhood nostalgia-annihilating debasement of its onetime child star, but because of the highly theoretical sex act supposedly performed by a person whose previous on-screen romantic entanglements were limited to a severe case of Lisa Turtle-supplied prepubescent blue balls.